Category: Loving YOU

Believe in ME?!? What does that Even Mean?!?

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One of the central themes i have been dealing with lately is self-esteem. Do you have problems with this? It is really strange, because I can’t put my finger on exactly why I have issues with this. Was it childhood? yes. Was it my parents? Yes. Was it a multi-pronged problem that sunk me lower and lower until I didn’t know my head from a hole? Yes. But it almost seems like i came into the world feeling like this. Like I didn’t belong. Like I was an outsider. Like i was too weird. Like I wasn’t good enough.

I have been in therapy. Ugh! It was so long and didn’t ever really get me anywhere. I mean it did get me to learn to speak up and I did learn a lot of valuable insights, blah blah blah. But did it get me to feel better about me? No. So where do you go when you don’t know what else to do? I’ve tried journaling it out. I’ve tried blogging it out. I’ve tried talking it out. I’ve tried screaming it out. I’ve tried meditation and affirmations and videos and books and alllll the things. Nothing has made a dent. Which makes me believe that its really stuck in there and maybe it came with the body. Does that make sense?

I believe I can change it, but why do I hold on to this belief that I’m not good enough? My doctor once said that we hold onto things for a reason, so you just need to find the reason and then let it go. So what would my reason be for believing that I don’t deserve?


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It kind of keeps me in victim mode, doesn’t it? Does it get me self-pity? Does it get me attention? Does it get me an excuse for failing? Hmmm that one sounds pretty close.

I don’t know, but I will definitely be thinking over this to seek an answer.

What about you? Are you feeling the “not good enough” pain? What do you do about that? Let me know!

5 Benefits of Gratitude and Why it ain’t hokey

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      Every other guru is spouting off about gratitude lately. Am I right?!? So of course I had to figure out what the heck everyone was so hyped up about. Don’t get me wrong, i’m thankful. I have a house and dogs and a husband… and I am ever so grateful for what I have now compared to what I USED to have, which was NOTHING!!! So I am TOTALLY grateful. But I never thought about writing it down or focusing on it or spending every waking moment meditating on it. That just wasn’t me.

But finally I literally just wanted to know what the big deal was and why people say your “life will be changed drastically in 30 days if you write down your gratitude list every day.” Will it? Really?

So here’s what I found. It really does truly and amazingly and scientifically benefit you. Who knew?

So here’s the list of 5 benefits and why the hippies were right and its not hokey. 

  1. Improved social comfort. It actually makes people like us more. It increases the success of our relationships, increases support, and even decreases stress and sadness. 
  2. It makes us more optimistic. And this leads to greater happiness. (Optimistic people are actually naturally happier, mentally stronger, and live longer! Wow! Who knew!)
  3. Reduces the focus on material objects. I guess if we are happy with what we have, we don’t need as much crap. Yeah!
  4. It makes us more giving. It even helps with our work environment, making us less impatient and improves our personal SKILLZ.
  5. It increases our psychological health. It creates better self-esteem, reduces jealousy and enhances the happy emotions and makes us stand up better to criticism and suicidal ideas. It also can cancel out anxious feelings and sadness. Wow!
  6. It creates higher energy levels, improves our self-love and even gives a greater likelihood that we may exercise and eat better. WHAT?!?
  7. It improves our emotional and academic intelligence. So it helps us recognize and deal with our emotions better and makes us smarter. Ummm… YES PLEASE!!!

So there you have it. 7 reasons to start your daily gratitude practice and take better care of yourself. Do you love this?!? Tell me… are you going to think more about what you are grateful for? I know I am!!!

TAke It AWay

So… I have crossed my own “too much” line lately. My body is in revolt.

I have been trying to give up sugar. Sugar is awful for you, mostly processed, toxic, and trashes your moods, hormones, etc. But i am a frickin addict. I need a meeting, seriously. I have been known to sit down and eat an entire bag of sour gummy worms in one sitting. I remember vacations and parties by my candy of choice for that period of time. A certain trip to Wisconsin reminds me of Pixie Stix. Junior High is Tart and Tinys. Softball is Wacky Wafers (which they don’t make any more, incidentally- i’ve searched and searched). Now, granted, it has been a long while since I have sat and polished off a pound of hard candy. I have really really slowed down in the past year. Having a child really makes you account for everything you say and do, and I can’t say, “No, you can’t have that!” and then sit there and eat it later. WRONG!!! (Although, I can remember my own mother doing that to me-maybe that’s where my addiction started?!?)   ANYWAYS…

I have been giving a lot of things up in the past few years, and I think sugar might be just toooooo much. It started when I quit drinking soda about 8? years ago. I was a diet soda-aholic. I was Queen Diet Coke. I would have a 32 oz. soda for breakfast. I drank at least a 6 pack a day. Then I read that caramel color was bad for you, and then I started thinking about soda and how disgusting it looks. I mean seriously, brown soda looks like sludge. You can pour it on your car battery and it eats away the rust and acid. Really?!? And then i put that into my body? Seems like a bad idea. So i had to wean myself off of it. Then I quit smoking. Sad, sad times. Then I quit chemical cleaners (though i still adore the smell of comet. sigh.). Then I quit meat (which actually was the easiest thing for me). But see you get the idea. I have tried to quit makeup and hair dye, too… yeah, that’s not workin’ out so good, either. Makeup is easiest because there are natural replacements. And being a stay-at-home mom… well, let’s just say i don’t wear it much anyways. What’s the point? Hair dye is a hard one, too. i tried henna and it drives me insane. It is cool putting green thick glop on your head, and it makes my hair so healthy and natural, but so far, the color leaves me wanting. I do love a good purple. Purple henna? Not so much. Maybe if i threw some blueberries into the henna…     Ok i am losing my train…

So I’m still working on the hair dye. I tried synthetic dreadlocks for color, and that way I could leave my natural hair color and change dreads all the time and have whatever color i want, but I am allergic to them. It is also like trying to sleep on a bail of hay- not super comfy. Not condusive to sleeping, especially as I can’t sleep anyways. So now I am considering real dreads. I could put extensions on with colors on the tips of my own hair. I just don’t want to look like a hippy. No offense, but I really prefer the goth dread look. Hair is an accessory- it should be different colors.

But sugar… i love it. Since I’ve given it up i feel like I have given up everything. I feel like there is nothing to wake up for. My mouth is so bored I think my tongue has packed its bags and left. I’m not even craving sugar anymore, it just feels… empty. lonely. I’ve tried honey and yogurt and other things to give my mouth something to look forward to, but nothing works. Of course i’m also feeling better, no headaches, no afternoon energy crashes… Interesting. Such a trade off. So I don’t know. I guess I just push on. Maybe I can get addicted to something else that I won’t have to take away. But what the hell is left, seriously?!? Salsa? cocoa powder? sniffing baking soda?

punkrockearthmother sad.


It’s ok to be a virgin

Getting started is hard. But this is why i’m here; I am alone. And it is my fault. I realized that i’ve been hiding. I enter into situations with a closed heart. I am terrified of girls/women and i always start things off feeling like they are going to end. Then there is the fact that I am weird, and I feel like I don’t fit in. Nobody wants to hear about the things i am interested in. Well, nobody around here. I’m vegetarian in a small suburban town. I do weird things to my hair. I dress funny. I have skulls all around my house. I am nearly chemical free in my lifestyle. These things are opposite of the beliefs of pretty much anyone i come into contact with. (Plus i’m a stay-at-home mom so i meet very few people anymore!) So then i enter into social situations believing that nobody will like me or that everyone will think i’m strange. So of course they do! I even avoid my friends because I feel like i have nothing to contribute. But I guess I’d like to change that. I need to stop being afraid; to enter in with an open heart and not be afraid to get hurt. I’d like to have friends and a social life and be able to express myself openly. I just don’t want it to hurt.