Believe in ME?!? What does that Even Mean?!?

dec2011 008

One of the central themes i have been dealing with lately is self-esteem. Do you have problems with this? It is really strange, because I can’t put my finger on exactly why I have issues with this. Was it childhood? yes. Was it my parents? Yes. Was it a multi-pronged problem that sunk me lower and lower until I didn’t know my head from a hole? Yes. But it almost seems like i came into the world feeling like this. Like I didn’t belong. Like I was an outsider. Like i was too weird. Like I wasn’t good enough.

I have been in therapy. Ugh! It was so long and didn’t ever really get me anywhere. I mean it did get me to learn to speak up and I did learn a lot of valuable insights, blah blah blah. But did it get me to feel better about me? No. So where do you go when you don’t know what else to do? I’ve tried journaling it out. I’ve tried blogging it out. I’ve tried talking it out. I’ve tried screaming it out. I’ve tried meditation and affirmations and videos and books and alllll the things. Nothing has made a dent. Which makes me believe that its really stuck in there and maybe it came with the body. Does that make sense?

I believe I can change it, but why do I hold on to this belief that I’m not good enough? My doctor once said that we hold onto things for a reason, so you just need to find the reason and then let it go. So what would my reason be for believing that I don’t deserve?


iphonesept2011 071

It kind of keeps me in victim mode, doesn’t it? Does it get me self-pity? Does it get me attention? Does it get me an excuse for failing? Hmmm that one sounds pretty close.

I don’t know, but I will definitely be thinking over this to seek an answer.

What about you? Are you feeling the “not good enough” pain? What do you do about that? Let me know!